Why I Haven't Written

Not my image. Borrowed from quotes.lifehack.org 

I don't want to be good at making excuses so, how about I explain rationalize why I haven't written in over a week?

For about three weeks or more I've been at an impasse with the Learn Your Why course. I finished part one but I needed a partner to complete part two. It's wasn't easy to find someone a) to whom I wasn't a close friend or family member, b) with whom I felt comfortable sharing some fairly emotionally-charged stories, and c) who I could count on to give me honest tough-love feedback, hold the sugar. 

I believe the universe helps guide me to the right people at the right time for the right purpose and so, when Annie and I couldn't find a date/time between our schedules I took the hint and accepted that maybe I needed someone different. "Am I being fired?" she asked. Yes. But not on merit - it just wasn't a good fit for our schedules and it's healthy to admit that rather than force the issue. Conversely, James responded right away and was available within just a couple days. Thank you, universe. 

By 5pm today, part two will be complete and I am so excited! I don't really know what to expect from this particular exercise but I hope it'll provide some insight and some guidance that I can use to work through my next steps. Of course, it'll give me more to write about so no more making excuses for me!

Why I'm Moving

Since 2000, when I moved from Maryland to Vermont to go to college, I have moved 10 times. 

And I'm about to move again. 

The decision came about during the first part of the Learn Your Why course - which I'm still taking, by the way -  and so, I reconciled my reasons for wanting to move with the draft of my Why, which I wrote about in a earlier post, to see if it passed the celery test. 

For context, let me tell you about the move and how the topic even came about. 

When I returned from my Maine vacation in the middle of August, I flipped through the junk mail to find a letter from the property management agency who runs the apartment complex where I currently live. The letter informed me that I had fourteen days from the date at the top of the paper to complete an early renewal form which would let me renew at these *special* early renewal rates, the 12-month rate being $50 more than my current rate. Of course, since I didn't get this letter as soon as it was mailed, I did not have the full fourteen days to make the decision so, I started thinking about moving and quickly let the 14-day window lapse. 

I thought about what it would take to get me to move again and with my boyfriend's help the reasons were:

1. Substantially more affordable than my current place. I'd have to save at least $100 per month in order to make the move financially smart. 
2. Within walking distance to work. 

But on top of those two qualifications was my Why. 

~ Every moment, every person, every experience is a learning moment. To not take a risk is to risk not learning something new, to not gain valuable insight that is as of yet undiscovered. ~ 

Moving brings several new moments and potentially several new people. Some folks would say living within walking distance to the library, living downtown, is a risk. 

So, I'm moving. Ryan, my Realtor-at-heart boyfriend, found me the perfect apartment only an eight-minutes' walk from work and which is substantially more affordable than my current place - plus, it has a bit more space! Lots of character (built in shelves and bookcases, turquoise bathroom fixtures, and a small bay window) and a large rooftop terrace (I laugh 'cause it's really just the flat roof that I have access to and very much plan to use). It's charming and unique and it fits my why. 

But the deepest, most meaningful reason why I'm moving (which makes me suspect my Why is something more than what I've written above) is because I believe in the downtown revitalization efforts that the city has been working on and that I've been hearing about for the past few years, and I want them to succeed. I agree that renovating the buildings and bringing in new businesses is key but what I believe is an even greater key is to have people living downtown who can support those restaurants, retail shops, museums, theaters, etc. after the 9-to-5 crowd clocks out for the day. As of November 1, I'll be able to say: I work downtown. I live downtown. I experience downtown. I learn downtown. 

Why 'Why?' is Scary

Classic Sesame Street: I Wanna Know Y! 

My friend, Sam, posted this video to my Facebook page a couple days ago. At first I thought there was a hidden message, as though asking why was a bad thing since the person asking was named Sinister Sam. But as the clip evolved I thought that maybe the message is that our first reaction to the question 'why?' is to be afraid (for no good reason other than the name of the dude asking is Sinister Sam) when in reality it's nothing to be afraid of at all. It's just Y. 

What I want to know is where did this fear come from? Why? is a reasonably valid question but it seems as though we react with fear more to this question than to any of the other of the 5Ws (Who? What? When? Where? ...and How?). Maybe that's just me...

However, I suspect it's not the question Why? that is scary but rather it's sharing the answer that is scary and so we tend to go on the defensive whenever anyone asks, 'Why?' The answer to a lot of Whys is personal and therefore shows our human side, our internal motivations, beliefs, convictions. What if someone disagrees with our answer? It feels as though they're disagreeing with us, with who we are, with our perspective. Or, maybe we don't know why and so we don't want to say that we don't know because then we look weak or unsure of ourselves. Conversely, when someone agrees with our Why we feel as though that person really gets us and that feels good and reinforces our confidence. 

When I contrast Why? with the other Ws I fail to experience the same reaction. Asking me what I'm going to do or when I'm going to do it or where, doesn't evoke the same response. Is this true for you, too? What do you think? Or is Why? not scary at all for you? Please share.

Why in Practice

I recently had the opportunity to practice starting with why in my role as conference director for the Maryland and Delaware Library Associations' Annual Conference. 

I had pitched the idea to the conference committee's top leadership (exec. directors, assistant directors, etc) of not printing our conference programs this year in favor of simply offering them online - with no change to the design, just abstaining from printing and mailing them. My original pitch was just that - no why to speak of other than the usual trap many of us fall into: to save money. 

This was not very inspiring nor motivating. But as I worked my way through Sinek's book and his course, and I started to see a draft of my why, I discovered my motivation for wanting to pursue this change and immediately I could feel it in my gut; it was the right thing to do. Now I just had to communicate that better. 

Here's how I did it:
[The actual text of the email]
>>

Long email ahead but it’s very important that you read and respond. I apologize for the very short notice but I have to give Margaret my final decision on 4pm on Monday, Sept. 8^th.

*Delaware friends: please forgive my overwhelming use of ‘MLA’ but it’s all I know in this context. My intention isn’t to exclude you, I just can’t speak for you. Please know that Cathay and I have spoken and she is supportive.

My motivation: I’ve been involved with MLA as an active member for 5 years but I’ve learned more in the last 18 months through participating in the most recent Strategic Planning Process. Based on the feedback we received from the strategic planning survey, I believe MLA members want to go further with technology efforts – and we have! The MLA Office received, and is using regularly a smart board which easily facilitated online meetings and Google Hangouts. They’ve also received an upgraded phone system, and more improvements are in the works. But I have a feeling that the membership is also ready for us to jump in feet first and boldly go where we haven’t gone before…

The proposal: I don’t want to print the conference program this year and instead only make it available via online PDF. The same PDF style we’ve used in past years (See 2014 Program here: http://bit.ly/MLADLAConferenceProgram). This will not change how people register for the conference. We will still print the small onsite conference program.

How we’ll make it happen: Timing and communication. Time is on our side because if we make this decision now, we have 5 months before registration opens to communicate this change, our motivation behind it, and our support for it. MLA has several strong communication outlets and I believe in the power of each and every one of them to spread the word: MLA Happenings, The CRAB, The Website, The Facebook Page(s), The Twitter Feed(s), The Listserv(s), Lanyrd, and all of us! I will also ask the Statewide Staff Development Coordinators to help us champion this change by spreading the word internally among their colleagues.

My request to you: I need to know that I have your support; that you can feel the fear and speak positively about it anyway. It’s perfectly ok to say, “Yes, I’m nervous about this but I totally support it!” Whenever we change from doing something the way we’ve always done it to doing it completely different, it feels very scary. And that’s ok. I feel the fear, too, but this seems so right that I’m willing to make this change but I need you to make it with me.

Julie

<<

After I waded through the emails from the committee members who were enthusiastically supporting this initiative (I received 2 phone calls from folks who were hesitant but not 100% resistant, they just needed more info) I made the final decision on Monday, Sept. 8th. Then I shared this decision with the membership at large. I used the same email with only a few changes to the wording to let them know that the decision had been made, the conference committee was in support of it, and that a communication plan was being put into place. I also wanted to encourage them to voice their concerns with me in case more information was needed.

Within the first hour of clicking the send button at 4pm I received 22 emails from the membership at large in support of this initiative and willing to help us spread the word to their colleagues. And I continued to receive more such emails this morning.

Many of the folks who've replied to my email thus far have felt this decision was kind of a no-brainer but having gone through the process of uncovering why I felt the way I did and why I wanted to make this particular change boosted my confidence and my ability to communicate with others why I felt this was so important. I think that passion and conviction comes through diplomatically yet strongly in my email and I'm proud to share my first Why in Practice experience with you and I hope to have many others.

Why I Shoo

My Uncle Willie sent this to me and I love it. I wonder if this inspired Simon Sinek's work at all.

One of the few memories I have of being very young was when I was in Kindergarten. I was in Mrs. Dirtzbaugh's 1/2 day morning class at a tiny little elementary school just on the other side of the highway from where my family lives in rural, northern Frederick County, MD. I don't remember how many kids were in my class but it couldn't have been more than a dozen and on this particular day my Mom was there, too, as class volunteer, or whatever they called it back then. And thank goodness she was because I probably would have forgotten all about this if it weren't for Mom animatedly retelling this story about once a year. 

After we finished our station work one morning, Mrs. Dirtzbaugh had us all form a circle so we could work on our verbs. I guess she was tired of doing the first you take the peanuts and you smash 'em, you smash 'em rhyme and wanted a change of pedagogical scenery. The instructions were simple: one by one we would call out a verb and the whole group would act out that verb. Easy. So, one by one my 4 & 5 year old classmates yelled out perfectly acceptable verbs such as, "jump!" and "clap!" and "twist!" And although I don't remember what I was thinking back then, I imagine it was the same thing I think now in similar situations: I have to think of something brilliantly clever that no one else has thought of or why bother! C'mon, c'mon... think!. 

When Mrs. Dirtzbaugh called my name, without missing a beat, I said, "Shoo!" 

And there was silence. 

To fill the void Mrs. Dirtzbaugh calmly explained to me that, "Julie, shoes are things we wear not things we do."

Rather than argue I just pantomimed shooing a fly while saying, "Shoo, shoo!" 

And so the class, and Mrs. Dirtzbaugh, followed suit by shooing imaginary flies and we continued on. Unfortunately, I don't remember Mrs. Dirtzbaugh's reaction. Mom will have to fill me in on that but I like to think she was impressed by my cleverness and vocabulary. 

In case you're curious, the full definition of To Shoo is available on FreeDictionary.com. 

Why do I share this story? Because I just finished the section of the Learn Your Why course that asks me to identify the early experiences of my life, as early as I can remember, that have had an impact on who I am today. I thought this story was particularly poignant because I still have those thoughts of, I have to think of something brilliantly clever that no one else has thought of or why bother! C'mon, c'mon... think!. I still put myself under pressure to think of novel ideas for purely egotistical reasons. It's a little embarrassing but I've gotten pretty good at it and at certain times it's benefited my work so, take that Mrs. Dirtzbaugh. 

Why Quotes

Julie Gaver, a friend, mentor, and consistently inspiring wonder-woman (seriously, if you don't know her, you need to) shared the following quote on her Facebook page yesterday and I thought it expressed what it is that I'm trying to do through the 'Learning Your Why' course:

"Maybe the journey isn't so much about becoming anything. Maybe it's about un-becoming everything that isn't really you -- so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place." (Unknown)

This quote just felt right. Like, "yes - that's exactly it!" The Learn Your Why course is helping me realize what isn't really me by completing a series of, what I've found to be, intense reflection exercises. I can see how this might sound silly. "You're almost 32 years old, Julie. You haven't figured out who or what you are yet?" To which I would aptly reply, "Sure I have; I just haven't figured out why I am yet." I think I'm making progress; actually, I think I've made a hell of a lot of progress especially during the last 5 years but I also feel like I've plateaued and that doesn't feel right. 

Just had a thought: Is why I am different from why I do what I do? Or are they one in the same?

How do you handle your plateaus? What pushes you to take the next steps?

DABD(-A). Why Funerals, Divorce, & Laundry Suck

I'm still feeling pretty good about that last post I wrote where I divulge what I think is my why but I'm sticking with the course and trusting the process.

I'm at the part now where I'm doing the Life Stories Exercise which is almost exactly the same as the work stories exercise except that in this exercise I need to focus on whatever it is I do/have done outside of work - both the very positives and the very negatives. After the +5s and the -5s are pinned to the board, I examine the feelings associated with those events.

Many more examples came much quicker for me this time with the life stories than they did with the work stories. I haven't thought about what that means yet but I'm sure it says something. As with the work stories, the positives greatly out numbered the negatives but to trust the process I made myself identify 3 horrible non-work related experiences which were: funerals (especially my friend Janice's death), my 1st marriage/1st divorce, and laundry (especially doing laundry but also putting laundry away). 

Of course, I'd rather do laundry than suffer the loss of a dear friend or live the life of a failing marriage and subsequent divorce. But the feelings are quite the same - which is the beauty of this course: after you pin these little suckers to your "life stories board" you then look at each one individually and remember your feelings as the event was unfolding. 

Surprisingly, the feelings I felt as I experienced these three separate events are exactly the first 4 stages of Kubler-Ross' stages of grief:

1. Denial. This isn't happening.
2. Anger. HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED?! DAMMIT!
3. Bargaining. Hmmm. Maybe, this won't happen if I ... 
4. Depression. Well, crap. This sucks. Why bother?

I would also add: helplessness, boredom, and longing.

I'm not at the point where I'm ready to do a deep dive into the meaning of all this but perhaps you can share some interpretations on this and maybe you can also answer the question, "What is your laundry and why?"