Why it's OK to not like everyone

I have a theory as to why some people don't like me and why I don't like some people and why that's ok.

I call it the Mushroom Principle.

It's nothing personal. I just don't like mushrooms. But when I say, “I don't like mushrooms,” what I'm really saying is that mushrooms don't taste good to my tongue, nor do they smell good to my nose, nor look good to my eyes. I don't like anything about mushrooms in general. This doesn't make mushrooms a bad food, it just means that their essence (energy)  is not compatible with mine.

The same is true for me. I am someone's – or many people's – mushroom. For one reason or another, they don't like me and that's OK. We just aren't compatible. Our energies don't mix. This is true for me as well; there are some folks that no matter under which conditions I experience them, I just do not enjoy them. They are my mushroom. And that's OK, too.  

Then there are tomatoes. I don't like raw tomatoes by themselves but I do like raw tomatoes if they're in salsa. I also like tomatoes when they're cooked, sun-dried, or pureed into a sauce. Again, there are some people who don't enjoy me one-on-one but get me into a group with others and I'm tolerable – at best I'm enjoyable and at worst I'm hardly even noticed. Of course, the same is true for me, too. I have a couple of people who I call friends who we are no good together one-on-one; it's dead air when we're alone together but mix in a couple of other mutual friends and all is well. No big deal. I know this about us and I think my friend knows this about us so we can plan accordingly. It's nothing personal we're just each other's tomato.

Not liking something does not make it evil. 

So, if someone says, “I don't like mushrooms,” we shouldn't try to convince them that they will like them if only have a Portobello or if they have them stuffed or diced into tiny bits on a pizza. Chances are they've tried them a couple ways and have been sufficiently turned off that the thought of them is nauseating. If they're OK with not ever eating another mushroom for as long as they live then we should be happy for them for figuring that out.

It's OK to not like everyone, in fact I think it's pretty normal to not like everyone but somehow not liking everyone has become stigmatized and I'm not sure how that came to be. Faking liking everyone is worse, in my opinion, because then we lose our authenticity. 

*Disclaimer. I do not harbor any ill will toward mushrooms. I do not go around destroying all the mushrooms I see. Even when I'm hiking I step gingerly around them. I know that they do not exist solely to sour my pallet and so, we have a mutual respect. I don't bother them and in turn, they don't bother me. Same is true for the human mushrooms in my life. Just because I don't like someone doesn't mean that I treat them poorly. Respect is still essential because the human mushroom didn't ask to be my mushroom, if that makes sense. Remember, our innate essences (energies) just aren't compatible. It's not personal, it's no one's fault. It's just natural. 

The challenge: make a list of people in your life who you don't enjoy and figure out which food they equate to for you. Then absolve them of any wrongdoing because whatever it is they've done or haven't done, it wasn't personal. The next time you encounter them, just step gingerly around them and know that they're not being your mushroom or Lima bean or whatever on purpose and, remember that you're someone's Brussels sprout, too. 

Why We Are Fickle

I took a long walk with a friend over the weekend and during the 11-mile trek she asked me what I thought was the cause of our species' fickleness. For example, why one political candidate is nominated and hailed as great one year but eight years later is old news? Why do fads/trends come in and go out of style? Why are eggs good for us one year and bad the next, and then good for us again? Why are we so fickle?

Imagine a speed boat out on a huge lake. It's being piloted by someone who has the courage/gumption to follow a desire. It looks like fun so you grab the line and now you're skiing behind the boat. And it is fun. All you have to do is hold on while the pilot decides how fast to go, where to go, when to turn, when to stop.

This is why I think we're fickle. Because it is easy to let confident people make decisions for us rather than doing the work that allows us to confidently pilot our own boats. It's easier for the Political Party HQ to tell us who to vote for rather than doing the research ourselves and listening with an open mind. It's easier do what we can to fit in with what TVmedianewsFacebookTwittermagazines tell us we should be doingwearingthinkingeating than it is for us to be quiet with ourselves and to actually hear what our bodies need us to eat, what our hearts believe, and what our minds think. It's just too hard. It's too much work. It takes too long.

And so we strap on our skis and go along for the ride.

But what happens when we want to get off? What happens when we tire of skiing?

We do a couple of things:

1. We make the conscious decision to not play anymore, let go, and fall into the water.
2. We become discontented enough and maybe we grow some confidence and being to pull ourselves toward the boat until we are able to board the craft and take over as pilot.
3. We wait for another boat to come along and convince us it's better, throw us a rope, at which point we let go of the other one.
4. We hold on stubbornly becoming more and more tired and grumpy each day.

I think it's safe to say that most of us are guilty of No. 3 more than we are of the others. This is why I think we eat eggs one year and ditch them the next in favor of quinoa only to add them back in the following year while ditching coffee. We're just jumping from boat to boat because someone comes along and says, “hey, your boat is sooo passe. Why not ski with my bright new shiny boat? See all these other cool people who are skiing with me? Don't you want to be like them?”

This is starting to sound like an after-school special but I think there's truth in it.

So what's the answer?

Of course, I believe meditation is the answer.

Aka. The process of removing ourselves from the bombardment of mental, spiritual, and physical pollutants, that we subject ourselves to everyday in order to focus on the breath and to start the dirty work of cleaning out the energetic clutter that we've accumulated. We have to figure out what our anchor is, what is true for us. And when we find our anchor, those boats will still go zooming by us and we'll bob along in their wake, maybe even drift their way a bit, but we will not take the line. We'll stay anchored to our truths and not get swept away in someone else's current.

But don't take my word for it. Try it out for yourself and find out what's true for you.

Med-aphor: Yo-Yo Meditator

Meditation + Metaphor = Medaphor

Yo-Yos have a special meaning for my family and I. Let's just say I used to think I collected things, yo-yos being one of them...

It's only fitting that one of the medaphors that came to me has to do with yo-yos. 

A yo-yo represents the back and forth we go through during meditation. We yo-yo back and forth between mind and breath, mind and breath, mind and breath. Mind is when the yo-yo is closest to our hand (we get 'caught up' in our thinking) and breath is when the yo-yo is furthest away from the hand when its center is clear of almost all the string. 

At first, the yo-yoing is quick, the return from the breath to the mind is almost immediate and then eventually, we get caught up and the yo-yo stays in our hand. Till we realize it. Only then do we send it back down. The goal is to reverse this process: to live in the breath and to only bring our awareness back up to the mind when we intentionally call it.  

Haola Health & Wellness: Baby Steps

My SCORE mentor, who has been extremely helpful so far, gave me a bunch of homework to do which is GREAT because I had no clue where to start so, the tasks were welcome.

First assignment was to create a flyer for my business idea and then to share it out and get feedback. Here it is. Feedback away...

I am also in the process of finding a space where I can offer these classes. In addition to offering regularly scheduled classes at a set location, I really want to be able to go to people who can't come to me (i.e. home-bound, nursing homes, etc.) and also I want to be able to go into schools and workplaces. I think outreach health and wellness services are where it's at - or where it will soon be - plus, I think people are more likely to create regular at-home practice if they learn how to practice at home. Does that make sense? 

Possible spaces that I'm looking into include:

• The YMCA
• Hagerstown Community College
• The library (of course, but there may be some conflict of interest bits I'll need to navigate)
• Churches
• Fitness centers/Yoga studios
• Spas? 
• Doctors' offices/counselors' offices, etc. 

The other piece of research I had to do was into pricing models but you tell me, please, those of you who are reading this: which pricing model would you be more likely to commit to:

• The course model: you sign up for a 6-week course (i.e. Introduction to Qigong pt. 1) for which you pay a flat fee of $125. Six classes total. You can then choose to sign up for another 6-week course (i.e. Introduction to Qigong pt. 2), for which you pay the same fee. Etc. 
• The tuition model: you sign up for a one-year contract during which time you can take up to 3 classes per week at set days and times. You pay monthly $150. 
• The pay-per-class model: you show up at the advertised days and times and pay on the spot $10. No long term commitment. 

Are there other pricing models I'm missing? 

Other things I'm thinking about that maybe you can help with:

• Is it too soon to sign up for a PO Box for my business?
• Should I form an LLC first before all else? How do I do that?
• Should I go ahead and get a mock website up since I have the domain?
• Is there an order of operations that most start-ups follow because I feel like I'm kinda hen-pecking? 

Insights and guidance are welcome...

The Next Step

Haola (pronounced: how-la), means in Chinese: all is well, so be it. It is used as a chant in some qigong practices. Now, haolahealth.com is the URL of my dream business which will help me take my Why to the next step: the How. There currently is no website attached to this address but metaphorically speaking, I've bought the land and now I just have to build the house. 

First, some background. 

I've been thinking a lot about combining my personal meditation and qigong practice with my professional staff development experience into a small business that can help empower others to discover and cultivate their strengths and passions. 

But starting my own business is intimidating because I can't visualize the steps; I can see the beginning and the end but I have no clue what the middle looks like. Kinda makes me think of Bridges' work on transitions. 

So, here's what I've done so far to machete my way through the unknown:

• I talked with five friends who own their own businesses. Two who've been running their businesses for two decades or more, one who's been running her business for about seven years, and two who've been running their businesses for one year or less.
• In a long moment of insecurity, I considered getting an additional master's degree in health and wellness coaching. But in the process of reading about the industry, meeting and talking with an admissions counselor, talking with Grand Master, plus taking stock of my skills and expertise, I've decided against it. 
• My insecurity hasn't disappeared so, with Grand Master's help, I sat down and made a list of all the qigong techniques I know that I feel comfortable teaching to others and it filled more than one page. Confidence level increased a bit. 
• I drafted a 'curriculum' by arranging the qigong techniques I know from basics to intermediate to advanced. 
• I put in a request to SCORE for a small business mentor. Yesterday, I got a phone call from SCORE needing more info from me so they can match me with the right person. I should hear from someone by next Friday!
• Most recently, I decided on a name for my dream business - actually, I had decided on the name a long while ago: Haola Health & Wellness Studio - and bought the domain for it: haolahealth.com. The domain-buying bit happened today.

What's next? Well, meeting with the SCORE mentor is high priority and I'll also be working on a website and making a list of potential partners - people and events that would welcome my meditation and qigong chops. My immediate goal is to start in January teaching/coaching in the evenings and weekends so I can get a feel for my teaching/coaching style and to feel out my curriculum. These sessions could be a whole small group of 3-5 or they could be individual sessions. Since we're working with energy, the ideal is a combination of both: group and individual.

A more immediate goal would be to find a location for these sessions to occur so, I welcome any suggestions on that end. A couple friends recommended the library but since I am an employee I would have to talk with Admin to see about any potential conflicts of interest. Of course, I suppose I could always work with a library in a different county... Churches were also recommended. 

So much to think about but I'm getting excited to be making visible progress toward my goal. This is actually going to happen! I'm not sure what shape it'll take but it'll happen one way or the other! Wish me luck!

Why I am: at Thirty-Two

A poem to myself for my birthday in no particular style...

I am thirty-two because my parents loved me into being.

I am thirty-two because I love being.

I am thirty-two because.

------------------------------------

And that's really all that matters, isn't it? That someone loved the idea of our potential to bring us into being. That we then loved our own potential to keep being. And that the universe is our potential - in fact, it's all of our collective potentials. What a wonderful feeling. By the way, that 'loved me into being' bit is taken from Fred Rogers' academy award acceptance speech and it has stuck with me ever since. 

When I originally sat down to write this post I thought I was going to tell you about this soul-quenching, emotional a-ha moment I had this morning and how it came about and what it means to me, etc. I wrote half a page of text but didn't feel anything. It's true that I had such a moment at 5:30 this morning but writing about it didn't evoke any kind of emotion at all other than boredom. I either haven't found the right words to capture the experience or it's not meant to be shared...yet. So, I deleted it and started over. 

I re-read what I had titled this post and immediately a poem came to mind and I got a little choked up. It felt right. So it didn't get deleted. 

It makes me wonder: how often do we do or say things that aren't true to our real selves? How often do we say things just to say things without really saying anything? Why do we do that? Why is it so easy to do that and why is it so difficult to be 100% authentic? This is why I suspect my story about my a-ha moment didn't come to fruition: I hadn't found the golden nugget of truth that is worthy of sharing yet. I'm not yet ready to share that much of myself and so I opt for saying nothing at all.

Why. Draft #2

To empower others so that they discover & cultivate their strengths & passions.

Yesterday's partner exercise was an experience unlike anything I've ever, well, experienced. And it was one of the most valuable self-reflective exercises I've ever done because I don't think I've ever worked with an objective partner who repeats my stories back to me, asks thoughtful clarifying questions, all for the benefit of identifying patterns both in speech and body language which, through a few minutes of discussion leads to new insights! I imagine this is what a good therapist is like! 

To recap the assignment, Part two of the Learn Your Why course required me to tell six stories, which were identified in Part one, to a more-or-less unbiased partner who was neither family nor close friend but who was an effective listener and with whom was someone I felt comfortable enough to share these stories. 

One by one I told my stories to James (friend/colleague/acquaintance) and after each story James asked really thoughtful clarifying questions which helped me identify what specifically in each situation lead me to feel the emotions I recalled. This proved to be the golden ticket - as we found out in subsequent tasks. By the way, when Simon Sinek says it'll take 10-15 minutes per story, believe him. 

After telling my first story, I hit my stride where I could talk freely, only consulting my notes to make sure I touched on all the emotions I initially recorded in Part one. I had to catch myself a couple of times when I would go off on happy tangents (spoiler alert: one of my stories was about my trips to Maine with my eldest sister, Christen, and my Uncle Willie) that had nothing to do with the specific event I was supposed to be talking about. All in all, telling all six stories, including discussion after each one, lasted approximately 90 minutes. 

Then James and I, thanks to his ample and detailed notes, worked together to identify themes across all my stories: topics and phrases that kept repeating. This was very telling - not surprising - but very telling. This exercise helped validate what James was hearing because as he called out the themes, to most of them I confessed, "Oh yeah..." (as in "yup, that's 100% true." Cue Yello's Oh Yeah). 

The subsequent tasks required us to combine themes that may be related so we had at least 4 but no more than 6 themes to choose from, themes that I viscerally (to use Simon's word) agreed with. We ended up with four themes, two of which I felt were super strong, they really captured my essence. Next, as Simon talks about in his book, we had to separate out the Whys and the Hows. "Simon Sinek, you magnificent bastard," James reveled as the onscreen Sinek described this process. By then, however, I felt sure I knew which one was my why. I had no doubt and James agreed. Even though there were two strong why-possible themes, one encompassed the other so there was no question. 

We didn't have to do too much word-smithing, except for changing out one or two words we were on target and I felt elated. It felt right to say that I get up every morning to empower everyone so that they discover and cultivate their strengths and passions. 

Whether it's my family, my friends, my colleagues ... this holds true. I look for and identify everyone's strengths and then I mentally match them up with tasks or roles that would best first them depending on the situation. It's even better if I actually get to act on this match-making, but that's not always the case. This isn't something I was aware that I did but I truly do this, and it's almost automatic. The kicker is that I get really annoyed when others don't do this. For example, when people who don't have design experience tell my web designer friend how to design a web page. I think to myself, "We hired her because she's a web designer! Let her design the web page! She knows what she's doing so let's trust her!" Sometimes I voice this frustration and sometimes I don't. It all depends on the situation.

The reverse is also true in that I want to be empowered so that I discover and cultivate my strengths and passions. I don't know if that's a good check and balance for a Why. Maybe I'll learn about that in Part 3 but for now, Sinek says to sit with the Why and let it sink in for a few days before continuing with the course. 

For those reading who know me personally, I'll be interested to hear what you think. Does this ring true for your perception of me? Examples and explanations would be very beneficial!

Why I Haven't Written

Not my image. Borrowed from quotes.lifehack.org 

I don't want to be good at making excuses so, how about I explain rationalize why I haven't written in over a week?

For about three weeks or more I've been at an impasse with the Learn Your Why course. I finished part one but I needed a partner to complete part two. It's wasn't easy to find someone a) to whom I wasn't a close friend or family member, b) with whom I felt comfortable sharing some fairly emotionally-charged stories, and c) who I could count on to give me honest tough-love feedback, hold the sugar. 

I believe the universe helps guide me to the right people at the right time for the right purpose and so, when Annie and I couldn't find a date/time between our schedules I took the hint and accepted that maybe I needed someone different. "Am I being fired?" she asked. Yes. But not on merit - it just wasn't a good fit for our schedules and it's healthy to admit that rather than force the issue. Conversely, James responded right away and was available within just a couple days. Thank you, universe. 

By 5pm today, part two will be complete and I am so excited! I don't really know what to expect from this particular exercise but I hope it'll provide some insight and some guidance that I can use to work through my next steps. Of course, it'll give me more to write about so no more making excuses for me!

Why I'm Moving

Since 2000, when I moved from Maryland to Vermont to go to college, I have moved 10 times. 

And I'm about to move again. 

The decision came about during the first part of the Learn Your Why course - which I'm still taking, by the way -  and so, I reconciled my reasons for wanting to move with the draft of my Why, which I wrote about in a earlier post, to see if it passed the celery test. 

For context, let me tell you about the move and how the topic even came about. 

When I returned from my Maine vacation in the middle of August, I flipped through the junk mail to find a letter from the property management agency who runs the apartment complex where I currently live. The letter informed me that I had fourteen days from the date at the top of the paper to complete an early renewal form which would let me renew at these *special* early renewal rates, the 12-month rate being $50 more than my current rate. Of course, since I didn't get this letter as soon as it was mailed, I did not have the full fourteen days to make the decision so, I started thinking about moving and quickly let the 14-day window lapse. 

I thought about what it would take to get me to move again and with my boyfriend's help the reasons were:

1. Substantially more affordable than my current place. I'd have to save at least $100 per month in order to make the move financially smart. 
2. Within walking distance to work. 

But on top of those two qualifications was my Why. 

~ Every moment, every person, every experience is a learning moment. To not take a risk is to risk not learning something new, to not gain valuable insight that is as of yet undiscovered. ~ 

Moving brings several new moments and potentially several new people. Some folks would say living within walking distance to the library, living downtown, is a risk. 

So, I'm moving. Ryan, my Realtor-at-heart boyfriend, found me the perfect apartment only an eight-minutes' walk from work and which is substantially more affordable than my current place - plus, it has a bit more space! Lots of character (built in shelves and bookcases, turquoise bathroom fixtures, and a small bay window) and a large rooftop terrace (I laugh 'cause it's really just the flat roof that I have access to and very much plan to use). It's charming and unique and it fits my why. 

But the deepest, most meaningful reason why I'm moving (which makes me suspect my Why is something more than what I've written above) is because I believe in the downtown revitalization efforts that the city has been working on and that I've been hearing about for the past few years, and I want them to succeed. I agree that renovating the buildings and bringing in new businesses is key but what I believe is an even greater key is to have people living downtown who can support those restaurants, retail shops, museums, theaters, etc. after the 9-to-5 crowd clocks out for the day. As of November 1, I'll be able to say: I work downtown. I live downtown. I experience downtown. I learn downtown. 

Why 'Why?' is Scary

Classic Sesame Street: I Wanna Know Y! 

My friend, Sam, posted this video to my Facebook page a couple days ago. At first I thought there was a hidden message, as though asking why was a bad thing since the person asking was named Sinister Sam. But as the clip evolved I thought that maybe the message is that our first reaction to the question 'why?' is to be afraid (for no good reason other than the name of the dude asking is Sinister Sam) when in reality it's nothing to be afraid of at all. It's just Y. 

What I want to know is where did this fear come from? Why? is a reasonably valid question but it seems as though we react with fear more to this question than to any of the other of the 5Ws (Who? What? When? Where? ...and How?). Maybe that's just me...

However, I suspect it's not the question Why? that is scary but rather it's sharing the answer that is scary and so we tend to go on the defensive whenever anyone asks, 'Why?' The answer to a lot of Whys is personal and therefore shows our human side, our internal motivations, beliefs, convictions. What if someone disagrees with our answer? It feels as though they're disagreeing with us, with who we are, with our perspective. Or, maybe we don't know why and so we don't want to say that we don't know because then we look weak or unsure of ourselves. Conversely, when someone agrees with our Why we feel as though that person really gets us and that feels good and reinforces our confidence. 

When I contrast Why? with the other Ws I fail to experience the same reaction. Asking me what I'm going to do or when I'm going to do it or where, doesn't evoke the same response. Is this true for you, too? What do you think? Or is Why? not scary at all for you? Please share.

Why in Practice

I recently had the opportunity to practice starting with why in my role as conference director for the Maryland and Delaware Library Associations' Annual Conference. 

I had pitched the idea to the conference committee's top leadership (exec. directors, assistant directors, etc) of not printing our conference programs this year in favor of simply offering them online - with no change to the design, just abstaining from printing and mailing them. My original pitch was just that - no why to speak of other than the usual trap many of us fall into: to save money. 

This was not very inspiring nor motivating. But as I worked my way through Sinek's book and his course, and I started to see a draft of my why, I discovered my motivation for wanting to pursue this change and immediately I could feel it in my gut; it was the right thing to do. Now I just had to communicate that better. 

Here's how I did it:
[The actual text of the email]
>>

Long email ahead but it’s very important that you read and respond. I apologize for the very short notice but I have to give Margaret my final decision on 4pm on Monday, Sept. 8^th.

*Delaware friends: please forgive my overwhelming use of ‘MLA’ but it’s all I know in this context. My intention isn’t to exclude you, I just can’t speak for you. Please know that Cathay and I have spoken and she is supportive.

My motivation: I’ve been involved with MLA as an active member for 5 years but I’ve learned more in the last 18 months through participating in the most recent Strategic Planning Process. Based on the feedback we received from the strategic planning survey, I believe MLA members want to go further with technology efforts – and we have! The MLA Office received, and is using regularly a smart board which easily facilitated online meetings and Google Hangouts. They’ve also received an upgraded phone system, and more improvements are in the works. But I have a feeling that the membership is also ready for us to jump in feet first and boldly go where we haven’t gone before…

The proposal: I don’t want to print the conference program this year and instead only make it available via online PDF. The same PDF style we’ve used in past years (See 2014 Program here: http://bit.ly/MLADLAConferenceProgram). This will not change how people register for the conference. We will still print the small onsite conference program.

How we’ll make it happen: Timing and communication. Time is on our side because if we make this decision now, we have 5 months before registration opens to communicate this change, our motivation behind it, and our support for it. MLA has several strong communication outlets and I believe in the power of each and every one of them to spread the word: MLA Happenings, The CRAB, The Website, The Facebook Page(s), The Twitter Feed(s), The Listserv(s), Lanyrd, and all of us! I will also ask the Statewide Staff Development Coordinators to help us champion this change by spreading the word internally among their colleagues.

My request to you: I need to know that I have your support; that you can feel the fear and speak positively about it anyway. It’s perfectly ok to say, “Yes, I’m nervous about this but I totally support it!” Whenever we change from doing something the way we’ve always done it to doing it completely different, it feels very scary. And that’s ok. I feel the fear, too, but this seems so right that I’m willing to make this change but I need you to make it with me.

Julie

<<

After I waded through the emails from the committee members who were enthusiastically supporting this initiative (I received 2 phone calls from folks who were hesitant but not 100% resistant, they just needed more info) I made the final decision on Monday, Sept. 8th. Then I shared this decision with the membership at large. I used the same email with only a few changes to the wording to let them know that the decision had been made, the conference committee was in support of it, and that a communication plan was being put into place. I also wanted to encourage them to voice their concerns with me in case more information was needed.

Within the first hour of clicking the send button at 4pm I received 22 emails from the membership at large in support of this initiative and willing to help us spread the word to their colleagues. And I continued to receive more such emails this morning.

Many of the folks who've replied to my email thus far have felt this decision was kind of a no-brainer but having gone through the process of uncovering why I felt the way I did and why I wanted to make this particular change boosted my confidence and my ability to communicate with others why I felt this was so important. I think that passion and conviction comes through diplomatically yet strongly in my email and I'm proud to share my first Why in Practice experience with you and I hope to have many others.

Why I Shoo

My Uncle Willie sent this to me and I love it. I wonder if this inspired Simon Sinek's work at all.

One of the few memories I have of being very young was when I was in Kindergarten. I was in Mrs. Dirtzbaugh's 1/2 day morning class at a tiny little elementary school just on the other side of the highway from where my family lives in rural, northern Frederick County, MD. I don't remember how many kids were in my class but it couldn't have been more than a dozen and on this particular day my Mom was there, too, as class volunteer, or whatever they called it back then. And thank goodness she was because I probably would have forgotten all about this if it weren't for Mom animatedly retelling this story about once a year. 

After we finished our station work one morning, Mrs. Dirtzbaugh had us all form a circle so we could work on our verbs. I guess she was tired of doing the first you take the peanuts and you smash 'em, you smash 'em rhyme and wanted a change of pedagogical scenery. The instructions were simple: one by one we would call out a verb and the whole group would act out that verb. Easy. So, one by one my 4 & 5 year old classmates yelled out perfectly acceptable verbs such as, "jump!" and "clap!" and "twist!" And although I don't remember what I was thinking back then, I imagine it was the same thing I think now in similar situations: I have to think of something brilliantly clever that no one else has thought of or why bother! C'mon, c'mon... think!. 

When Mrs. Dirtzbaugh called my name, without missing a beat, I said, "Shoo!" 

And there was silence. 

To fill the void Mrs. Dirtzbaugh calmly explained to me that, "Julie, shoes are things we wear not things we do."

Rather than argue I just pantomimed shooing a fly while saying, "Shoo, shoo!" 

And so the class, and Mrs. Dirtzbaugh, followed suit by shooing imaginary flies and we continued on. Unfortunately, I don't remember Mrs. Dirtzbaugh's reaction. Mom will have to fill me in on that but I like to think she was impressed by my cleverness and vocabulary. 

In case you're curious, the full definition of To Shoo is available on FreeDictionary.com. 

Why do I share this story? Because I just finished the section of the Learn Your Why course that asks me to identify the early experiences of my life, as early as I can remember, that have had an impact on who I am today. I thought this story was particularly poignant because I still have those thoughts of, I have to think of something brilliantly clever that no one else has thought of or why bother! C'mon, c'mon... think!. I still put myself under pressure to think of novel ideas for purely egotistical reasons. It's a little embarrassing but I've gotten pretty good at it and at certain times it's benefited my work so, take that Mrs. Dirtzbaugh. 

Why Quotes

Julie Gaver, a friend, mentor, and consistently inspiring wonder-woman (seriously, if you don't know her, you need to) shared the following quote on her Facebook page yesterday and I thought it expressed what it is that I'm trying to do through the 'Learning Your Why' course:

"Maybe the journey isn't so much about becoming anything. Maybe it's about un-becoming everything that isn't really you -- so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place." (Unknown)

This quote just felt right. Like, "yes - that's exactly it!" The Learn Your Why course is helping me realize what isn't really me by completing a series of, what I've found to be, intense reflection exercises. I can see how this might sound silly. "You're almost 32 years old, Julie. You haven't figured out who or what you are yet?" To which I would aptly reply, "Sure I have; I just haven't figured out why I am yet." I think I'm making progress; actually, I think I've made a hell of a lot of progress especially during the last 5 years but I also feel like I've plateaued and that doesn't feel right. 

Just had a thought: Is why I am different from why I do what I do? Or are they one in the same?

How do you handle your plateaus? What pushes you to take the next steps?

DABD(-A). Why Funerals, Divorce, & Laundry Suck

I'm still feeling pretty good about that last post I wrote where I divulge what I think is my why but I'm sticking with the course and trusting the process.

I'm at the part now where I'm doing the Life Stories Exercise which is almost exactly the same as the work stories exercise except that in this exercise I need to focus on whatever it is I do/have done outside of work - both the very positives and the very negatives. After the +5s and the -5s are pinned to the board, I examine the feelings associated with those events.

Many more examples came much quicker for me this time with the life stories than they did with the work stories. I haven't thought about what that means yet but I'm sure it says something. As with the work stories, the positives greatly out numbered the negatives but to trust the process I made myself identify 3 horrible non-work related experiences which were: funerals (especially my friend Janice's death), my 1st marriage/1st divorce, and laundry (especially doing laundry but also putting laundry away). 

Of course, I'd rather do laundry than suffer the loss of a dear friend or live the life of a failing marriage and subsequent divorce. But the feelings are quite the same - which is the beauty of this course: after you pin these little suckers to your "life stories board" you then look at each one individually and remember your feelings as the event was unfolding. 

Surprisingly, the feelings I felt as I experienced these three separate events are exactly the first 4 stages of Kubler-Ross' stages of grief:

1. Denial. This isn't happening.
2. Anger. HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED?! DAMMIT!
3. Bargaining. Hmmm. Maybe, this won't happen if I ... 
4. Depression. Well, crap. This sucks. Why bother?

I would also add: helplessness, boredom, and longing.

I'm not at the point where I'm ready to do a deep dive into the meaning of all this but perhaps you can share some interpretations on this and maybe you can also answer the question, "What is your laundry and why?"

Why I Think I Do What I Do

So, I've been reading more in, Start with Why, and simultaneously thinking about my personal why and one of my most recent thoughts was, 'We need to get this author to lead our (my library's strategic planning process!' but that is about work and not about me so... I keep thinking from time to time about my thoughts and beliefs and my core values. Why are they so hard to articulate? Companies have core values so, why can't I? Answer: Because it means standing for something and that means having convictions and in my previous experiences most people I know with strong convictions tend to be inflexible and I don't want to be inflexible. But as Adam commented on a previous post, maybe the core of my why can be flexibility. 

My spiritual beliefs and values seem easy to articulate, I think. I mean, I'm heavily influenced by Buddhism and because of that I try not to get attached to thoughts, beliefs, and values; or at least, I try to be aware of when I'm becoming attached. I believe that we have more than one chance at life; we keep coming back until we 'graduate.' I believe that what we call Earth is just a huge learning environment, a practice field. We are all here to learn and to practice applying what we learn and, in turn, to teach others what we've learned, all for the sake of growing into our true selves. We all have different learning and teaching styles. We all don't know what our learning objectives are or what the prescribed pedagogy is. I believe every moment is a learning moment and also a chance to practice what we've learned. When we die, I believe it is our summer vacation: we are removed from the structure of the primary learning environment and given time to reflect on what we've accomplished in this most recent lifetime: what we did really well and how we can help others in those areas and also, what we need to improve on and coming up with a plan on how to improve. Then, we're sent back to school to try again, to learn again, to practice again (which is why we don't come back as the same person because if we did that, then it would mean we hadn't grown at all, that we had failed to learn anything during the previous life). So it goes until we return to pure being at which point we move into advisory roles. 

As advisors, we no longer attend Earth school but instead our work is done during the 'summers' working with Earth students to review their lives and to help them strategize for the next time. We become what I envision staff development coordinators could be if given the chance: learning experience specialists. We look at the big picture and help you figure out what it is you need to learn, what you need to accomplish and then we map out a plan of action: which people you're going to learn from, which experiences you're going to have, when those people and experiences are going to be introduced to you and for how long, etc. We would also look at how you can facilitate others' learning: what role will you play in the learning experiences of others. The outcomes, however, are up to you, we just help you set the stage, review the outcomes, and keep you motivated. 

And that's why I do what I do. 

Because every moment, every person, every experience is a learning moment. To not take a risk is to risk not learning something new, to not gain valuable insight that is as of yet undiscovered. Everyone on this Earth is in practice mode. None of us have gotten it right or we wouldn't be here. My thinking is that we shouldn't behave as though we're Pros because we're not, and we should practice forgiveness and empathy a whole lot because we're all at the same school, going through the same trials, celebrating the same successes and it would be a lot more enjoyable and rich if we supported and celebrated together as a whole. But perhaps that's the greatest learning experience of all?

Why Takes Time

Finding my why is proving to be very time consuming. Which is ridiculous because I've only spent three hours on the course so far. What did I expect? To discover my why in the introduction to the course? Simon Sinek is good but he's not that good. It's not his fault, anyway. It's me who is being totally unrealistic and impatient. 

This was the easy part. Little did I know how much work it would cause.

I'm at the point in the course where I have to recall the work events that I deemed 5s (positive and negative) and identify the spectrum of feelings I went through as the events unfolded. This exercise is called, "Work Stories." Not only do I have to identify the feelings I felt but I also have to describe what initiated the feelings, what happened to cause me to feel delighted or uninspired or creative. It's supposed to take 10 minutes per each level 5 event. Had I known this earlier I would have contained myself a bit with the previous exercise when I was simply identifying the events but noooo, I went and pinned 8 level five events onto my digital work life cork board (5 positive and 3 negative). Now I'm committed to spending at least 80 minutes labeling and describing these events. Serves me right for being so ambitious. I just had to find 3 times in my current work life when I was absolutely miserable simply because it was a huge challenge to find those 3 times in the first place. Had I been able to draw upon previous jobs (Sinek said I had to focus on my current job and employer only), then it would have been easier. But, I followed the instructions. Who knew that working for a great organization and having a great job could cause such frustrations.

We Have Only One Why

I'm about two-hours into Simon Sinek's online course, Learn Your Why, and right off the bat there was a quote that I thought was worth sharing. Sinek says, and I'm paraphrasing, "You only have one why. Having more than one why is like having more than one captain on a ship. Which one do you listen to?"

This doesn't make me feel good. I don't like this notion of only having one why because committing to one why means saying no to all those other whys that are out there. That's the hard part. All the whys are great, surely! Right? But the course is telling me that I need to discover my one and only, and that I'll be better off for it. It's kind of irrational to have an aversion against saying no to a concept, isn't it? It's not like all those other whys are going to have hurt feelings. Already I'm learning. 

But then I start to wonder, is choosing one of something a problem for me in other aspects of my life and if so, how come? If not, why is the thought of choosing one why so daunting? Anyone else out there 'yes junkies?' 

Start With Why

I first saw Simon Sinek speak at the Public Library Association's conference this past March and I was instantly captivated and energized by his stories. I just kept thinking, "Yes! Yes!" At the time, he was talking about his newest title, Start With Why: How Great Leaders Inspire Everyone to Take Action and I brought some of that energy back and shared it with my colleagues and I've even incorporated the Start With Why mantra into my work. But where I really need it is in my personal life. 

A few days ago I started reading Start With Why and within the first couple of pages I was nodding my head and thinking, "Yes! Yes!" Then it got me thinking about all I do with my life and all I want to do with my life and so, I started thinking about why. It's a really hard concept for me to think about because I don't know the answer to most of my whys and it feels scary. 

So, what do I do? I start a blog to figure out my whys. 

Why am I starting my third, possibly fourth, blog when I know I have a habit of starting blogs, keeping them going for maybe a month if I'm lucky, and then abandoning them? Because I need to intentionally examine myself and to open myself up to feedback from the world at large. I feel I'm ready and on the cusp of making some life-changing moves (those will be discussed later when it feels safe) but I want to start with why before making those moves. 

My next step is to take Simon's Learn Your Why online course which I hope will teach me how to think about my whys because I really have no idea with most things other than to say, "because they're fun." 

Anyone else out there wondering about their why and/or taking this course or reading this book? I'd love to hear your thoughts.